Starting Over

It's late at night. The house is quiet and now there's time for deeper reflection. Now, eight months since the Great Fire and upheaval of our family.  Eight months since the beginning of the end, at least for me.  Everyone else seems to be doing just fine. Nevertheless, this summer brought extreme trauma and loss for me. It wasn't just the loss of the house, but the loss of people I love, hope in the addiction recovery process, and the pure exhaustion that comes from trying to hold on, walk through chaos, and rebuild a life.

And now, after a complete breakdown and re-examination and evaluation of all that I have been, of my physical, mental, and spiritual self, I find I am empty.  I've purged my material belongings, my personal expectations, my belief in my self and where I was headed in life, and have come to the bottom.

I'm looking up from the bottom and some days wonder how I will get back to the top.  I wonder who I will be, and some days, whether I will be.  My heart has been broken open and broken apart, and just plain broken, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am hanging by just a thread at times.  I cling to my faith and the love of a very good man.  Some days are just a long string of prayers. Prayers of gratitude for what remains, prayers of "Help Me" get through, and prayers of begging for just one more day to make it all right.

I need time to make it all right. To set straight that which became so crooked, in the years, months, and days before the Great Fire.  There is a clarity about myself, after coming through to the other side.  A clarity that tells me I must get right, set things straight with people, order my life, purge the unnecessary, and try to find some peace, some calm, and deeper love for what matters, who matters.

I am working on it.  I feel an urgency to start fresh and to be better.  I want more days to do this.  I need to be healthy. I want many, many days still to give back what I've taken. To love more, to appreciate more often. To say words that have been withheld.  I need to be forgiven. I need to forgive.

I wonder at times, if I've used up my chances. Is there Grace left for me to start over. To try again? So maybe this writing is another request.  Another asking for a "do over", a second chance.  Please let me try again. I need that second chance now that my vision is clear, my heart is open, and I'm willing to start over.

mjr

My Sanctuary Moves On...

Well, after a a year of upheaval and seriously shifting perspective, it's time to sell My Sanctuary and let her have new adventures.  She has been a delight as we brought her back from near extinction to the beloved traveling home and art studio that she was for me.  She traveled well, held me when I needed to be held, showed me the way to adventure and independence, and mostly provided me with the sanctuary that I needed at the time.

As always, however, life has taught me many lessons over the last five years and I am ready to shed my skin and move into another dimension.  Part of that move requires me to purge nearly everything I own and all the parts of me that I've held onto for far too long.  Indeed, they have been my shield, my protection, when they were needed, but alas, it is time to lay down the armor, open my heart, and prepare to accept what life has to offer next.

Thank you Sanctuary and all the other aspects of life that have brought me to this point. Thank you for holding me, teaching me, protecting me, and most of all, showing me the way that I need to go next.  I am ready for the adventures that await.

Road Gypsy

Canyon Lake Spring 2014

Finally, Spring arrived and it was time to head down to Canyon Lake with my Sisters.  Kayak rental was a bugger this year, but we all had kayaks and the water was perfect.  Fishing was lousy, only one big mouth caught the entire time we wee there.  But we had tons of fun, I tried the stand up paddle board and will defintely do it again.  It was a blast.  Boulder Canyon hike was beautiful.  A very spiritual experience.  So many trails left to explore in the Superstition Wilderness.

Sisters on the Fly-Christmas in July

Last weekend was our Christmas in July trip.  The weather has been hot and dry for months, with the an ever-present threat of wildfires.  But the rains started coming about a week or two before our trip and the forest became a cool green place to find respite from the Valley's heat.  What a delight to spend 4 days and nights with my adventurous Sisters on the Fly.  We cooked, kayaked, hiked, fished (delicious trout dinner on Saturday-thanks fisher-women), laughed, painted, napped, sang, played and enjoyed each others company til it was time to go home.  Thank you Sisters for another weekend of rest and fun!

Through a serendipitous turn of events, I was able to spend 3 peaceful days in Oak Creek Canyon while attending a conference in Sedona.  With new responsibilities as President for Az NAPNAP, tons of school work, the stress from changes at work and home concerns, it was a much needed break away.  The lush green trees, cool night air and constant music of the creek soothed and quieted my troubles.  I spent simple time resting, eating, reading and writing.  Once again, a retreat and a sanctuary.

My Sweet Sundance

I learned today, that the sweet Palomino rescue horse that I sponsor was recently featured in the National Geographic Kids June/July 2012 issue. I've been sponsoring him for a year now.  He lives at Equine Voices Horse Rescue south of Tucson.  Isn't he sweet!s Sundance's Story

The Trail of Life

"When you are riding the Trail of Life, there is only one true way to find your way home....follow the path of truth and caring for your friends and family in all days of our lives...then, you are always Home.

Rain Valley Dreams

Perhaps it's wanderlust or time to move on.  I can't be sure, but dreaming about new places to live and the possibilities for adventure, renewal and fresh perspective are ever-present in my mind.  I want to throw a few essentials into my well traveled bag, toss it into the back of the Expedition and hit the road.  No plans, just gas  in the tank, the Atlas on the seat and plenty of funds to take me where I want to go.  Who knows where that might be.  It changes from day to day.  A month ago, it was the beaches of Southern California, but today, I'm dreaming of a ranch in Rain Valley Arizona.  The monsoons will be sweeping across those peaceful grasslands bringing long awaited moisture to the dry, brown earth and suddenly the waist high grasses will be thick, lush and green.  The smell of desert creosote will whip up in the air as lightening crackles in the dark grey skies.  Oh to have a ranch house, with a front row seat planted firmly in that heavenly place.