Promise of Discovery

There is something rich and nourishing about setting out on the road, unsure of your destination, with the quiet expectation of sure adventure ahead.  Each turn of the untraveled road brings the promise of discovery.  Traveling in uncharted territory brings a sense of adventure for what lies at the end of the road, for learning about what we are made of, what gives us joy, and what feeds our soul.

When we break out of the familiar patterns of ourselves and what life has made us into, we find a happiness and strength that in no other way can be found.  We must search for moments of discovery and tap into this well of inner strength.

It may be that we can only start with small adventure; a different path taken to a common  destination, a new place for lunch or a quiet conversation with an interesting stranger.  We will surely be fortified along this path of discovery and journey towards grand adventure.  Where will your path take you??

Oak Creek Canyon, Az

Chaos to Renewal

What is it about renewal that must be CHAOS before it can become?  It is inevitable.  I've seen it time and again.  First, there is that sense of dis-ease, a knowing that something is in the air, like dark, warning storm clouds on the far horizon.  The air becomes electric, and maybe the wind whips your clothes and hair.  Trees, and trash and dirt swirl about, Chaos is here.  Nothing will be the same when it is done. There will surely be destruction, people will get hurt, property will be destroyed and lives will be displaced.

These are the consequences of Chaos.  The question is, are we resilient enough to withstand it all?  Have we fortified our foundations, strengthened our inner fortress for the inevitable.  For it will come.  Chaos cycles through our lives.  It is how renewal comes about.  The renewal of the Earth, the renewal of society and the renewal of our soul.  What will we cling to when the storms of Chaos attempt to rip us from our foundations?  What strengthens you and I?  What gives us hope that there will be renewal?  For we must find the answers to these questions.  Where will this journey called "Life" take us and how will we fortify ourselves for the ride ahead?

Starting Over

It's late at night. The house is quiet and now there's time for deeper reflection. Now, eight months since the Great Fire and upheaval of our family.  Eight months since the beginning of the end, at least for me.  Everyone else seems to be doing just fine. Nevertheless, this summer brought extreme trauma and loss for me. It wasn't just the loss of the house, but the loss of people I love, hope in the addiction recovery process, and the pure exhaustion that comes from trying to hold on, walk through chaos, and rebuild a life.

And now, after a complete breakdown and re-examination and evaluation of all that I have been, of my physical, mental, and spiritual self, I find I am empty.  I've purged my material belongings, my personal expectations, my belief in my self and where I was headed in life, and have come to the bottom.

I'm looking up from the bottom and some days wonder how I will get back to the top.  I wonder who I will be, and some days, whether I will be.  My heart has been broken open and broken apart, and just plain broken, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am hanging by just a thread at times.  I cling to my faith and the love of a very good man.  Some days are just a long string of prayers. Prayers of gratitude for what remains, prayers of "Help Me" get through, and prayers of begging for just one more day to make it all right.

I need time to make it all right. To set straight that which became so crooked, in the years, months, and days before the Great Fire.  There is a clarity about myself, after coming through to the other side.  A clarity that tells me I must get right, set things straight with people, order my life, purge the unnecessary, and try to find some peace, some calm, and deeper love for what matters, who matters.

I am working on it.  I feel an urgency to start fresh and to be better.  I want more days to do this.  I need to be healthy. I want many, many days still to give back what I've taken. To love more, to appreciate more often. To say words that have been withheld.  I need to be forgiven. I need to forgive.

I wonder at times, if I've used up my chances. Is there Grace left for me to start over. To try again? So maybe this writing is another request.  Another asking for a "do over", a second chance.  Please let me try again. I need that second chance now that my vision is clear, my heart is open, and I'm willing to start over.

mjr

My Sanctuary Moves On...

Well, after a a year of upheaval and seriously shifting perspective, it's time to sell My Sanctuary and let her have new adventures.  She has been a delight as we brought her back from near extinction to the beloved traveling home and art studio that she was for me.  She traveled well, held me when I needed to be held, showed me the way to adventure and independence, and mostly provided me with the sanctuary that I needed at the time.

As always, however, life has taught me many lessons over the last five years and I am ready to shed my skin and move into another dimension.  Part of that move requires me to purge nearly everything I own and all the parts of me that I've held onto for far too long.  Indeed, they have been my shield, my protection, when they were needed, but alas, it is time to lay down the armor, open my heart, and prepare to accept what life has to offer next.

Thank you Sanctuary and all the other aspects of life that have brought me to this point. Thank you for holding me, teaching me, protecting me, and most of all, showing me the way that I need to go next.  I am ready for the adventures that await.

Road Gypsy