Starting Over

It's late at night. The house is quiet and now there's time for deeper reflection. Now, eight months since the Great Fire and upheaval of our family.  Eight months since the beginning of the end, at least for me.  Everyone else seems to be doing just fine. Nevertheless, this summer brought extreme trauma and loss for me. It wasn't just the loss of the house, but the loss of people I love, hope in the addiction recovery process, and the pure exhaustion that comes from trying to hold on, walk through chaos, and rebuild a life.

And now, after a complete breakdown and re-examination and evaluation of all that I have been, of my physical, mental, and spiritual self, I find I am empty.  I've purged my material belongings, my personal expectations, my belief in my self and where I was headed in life, and have come to the bottom.

I'm looking up from the bottom and some days wonder how I will get back to the top.  I wonder who I will be, and some days, whether I will be.  My heart has been broken open and broken apart, and just plain broken, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  I am hanging by just a thread at times.  I cling to my faith and the love of a very good man.  Some days are just a long string of prayers. Prayers of gratitude for what remains, prayers of "Help Me" get through, and prayers of begging for just one more day to make it all right.

I need time to make it all right. To set straight that which became so crooked, in the years, months, and days before the Great Fire.  There is a clarity about myself, after coming through to the other side.  A clarity that tells me I must get right, set things straight with people, order my life, purge the unnecessary, and try to find some peace, some calm, and deeper love for what matters, who matters.

I am working on it.  I feel an urgency to start fresh and to be better.  I want more days to do this.  I need to be healthy. I want many, many days still to give back what I've taken. To love more, to appreciate more often. To say words that have been withheld.  I need to be forgiven. I need to forgive.

I wonder at times, if I've used up my chances. Is there Grace left for me to start over. To try again? So maybe this writing is another request.  Another asking for a "do over", a second chance.  Please let me try again. I need that second chance now that my vision is clear, my heart is open, and I'm willing to start over.

mjr